That Feeling...

“Sauna, gusto dyud ko mag doctor, ako-a dyud na nga dream. I pursued for that ambition. Tanan libaong willing nako agian to be a doctor…pero, ambot lang pag doctor na nako and I was able to work in a government hospital…nawala ang spark…it’s more of a frustration than a drive to do even more…it’s more like seeing the other side nga daghan people nag suffer, bati ang facilities, daghan masakiton na dili maatiman…and yet, here I am a doctor, cannot do anything about it. Kanang feeling na wala koy mabuhat when I know naa koy mabuhat…Medyo confusing ko noh?….”

It was just a part of the conversation I had last night with some high school friends together with some doctors in the government. I enjoyed the conversation more than the food I ate (to my surprise) because, although I am not sure of the sincerity of the “speaker” for the reason that I just met the person, I know what he said is something real. I did not make a comment, I did not say a word, I did not nod and approved with what he said….I kept silent. Most friends know me as the bubbly boisterous laughing kiddo in the corner…I don’t what to surprise them with my innate seriousness and empathy towards daily frustrations of having done only less for my country.

I was happy to hear those words. Someone is also feeling the same thing as what has been bothering me for the past few years. That feeling of how you strive in your job and be the best utility there is (in your own capacity), yet you still feel short from the expectations you set for yourself. That feeling of being able to help, yet the “help” is still not enough. That feeling of you cannot do anything. That feeling of helplessness. And the feeling of being frustrated because despite how you rock mountains, still the problems are there. I even once said to myself that even if I will reach a hundred years old, still Central Visayas will remain a zero forest cover region and Basilan will still be a war-torn place. Filipinos will still cry for help, and dams will be running out of water. Politics will still be dirty and Elections will still remain one of the most chaotic democratic practices in the coutry.

Seeing all of these things, I said… it’s frustrating.

Doc is in his mid-30s when he said those words …I hope that when I reach such age I will be not be saying the same thing anymore.